The Bald Ninja
by Thing1andThing2
Summary: This story is absurd... but you should read it anyway! This is a series of anecdotes of life in Konoha that make little sense. Said stories include a camping trip, Konoha's masked streaker, a Konoha Raffle, a Grease production, and more.
1. Konoha Raffle

Authors' Note: Since the summary is a little vague, we will be a little more specific here. This story will be characterized as absurdist literature, very similar to that of the plays _The American Dream_ and _The Bald Soprano_ (hence our odd title). Absurdist literature was not our only inspiration; Link and Luigi's _Naruto Primer_ gave us the idea to write this. Our story contains many short stories of the crazy things that ninja do in their free time, since their leisure time is not shown in the manga or the anime much. By the way, if you were confused as to why I have been writing "we" and "our," it is because I and writing this story with my twin sister. Anyway, I have probably bored you with my note, so go on and read the first chapter! Please review!

Chapter One: Konoha Raffle

"Geez, this raffle is so troublesome," droned Shikamaru in his usual complaining tone when he complains about troublesome things. Most of the Rookie 9 (who, of course, always hang out together, at least according to the Laws of Fanfiction) rolled their eyes and shook their heads in unison because they expected him to say something like that. Naruto folded his arms, closed his eyes, pouted his lips, nodded his head, and mumbled as he usually does to show his agreement or when he does not understand something and is pretending that he does. Naruto, on the other hand, was not upset about the raffle; he was irate that the Luncheon, where all of the Konoha denizens gathered before the raffle begins, did not have ramen. He was almost to the point of suing the whole world, that is until Sakura spoke up.

"Oh, I hope that I win some of the rare perfume, beauty products, or the secret big prize." said Sakura, interlocking her fingers and stretching her arms upward as if coming out of a daze. "I could only get eight tickets, though, because my mother only gave me eight ryou." Sakura rolled her emerald eyes as Inner Sakura screamed obscenities.

"Here!" Lee jumped out of nowhere quite explosively and offered her twelve of his. "If one of my tickets causes you to win, will you go on a date with me?" Lee instantaneously resumed the "nice guy pose" and ecstatically allowed his teeth to gleam so brightly that everyone within the mile radius instinctively put on sunglasses to protect their eyes. Shino observed his surroundings, oblivious to Lee's brilliant reflection of the sun since he is always wears sunglasses.

"Hmmm… it seems that I have become a trendsetter." He thought to himself, which is not redundant for Shino because he can "think" to his millions of bugs, not just himself. He sighed inwardly as his moment of glory ended when Lee ceased his dental glow and everyone removed their sunglasses. Sakura laughed, patted Lee on his shiny head, and told him about how funny he was.

"Anyway," said Ino, "I don't see why the council elders felt it was necessary to place a fifty ticket limit. Who would be so irresponsible as to buy even that many?"

"You forget that our Hokage is Tsunade-sama." began Sakura.

"I will never forget that!" butted in Tenten who was in love with Tsunade, along with other amazing ninja, but nobody paid any attention to her because she was so obscure.

"Well, she bought fifty, grudgingly, even though she was planning to buy more."

Meanwhile, Kakashi was standing by the raffle table waiting to purchase some tickets of his own. Another man, who was nowhere near as cool as Kakashi, approached the kiosk.

"I would like to buy ten-"

"NOOOOOOOO!" Kakashi tackled the poor, lame, un-ninja and pinned him painfully to the ground. "You will buy six because I need the seventh, and then you may purchase the remaining four." The Godaime sighed, as she put her head down on the table.

"Kakashi-kun, this is the third time that you've attacked somebody over raffle tickets. What are you thinking?" Kakashi straightened up, leaving the trembling man in a fetal position.

"Don't worry; this will be the last time today," explained Kakashi, trying to regain his composure as well as his dignity. "You see, I only need three specific tickets because I only wish to have three specific items: the large standard weapons set, the advanced weapon repair kit, and, uh, you know, that book." Kakashi nodded his head towards the newest installment of his favorite series. "I've done a survey of all of the people in Konohagakure to determine how many tickets will be sold and my odds of winning, and at the last raffle, using my Sharingan, I not only wasted my chakra, but I also memorized your ticket-shaking pattern. Then, I calculated and figured out the exact tickets I will need to win those prizes after discovering the order in which you will present them." Kakashi had an air of satisfaction after explaining his ingenious plan. After a moment of silence, Tsunade finally spoke up.

"You're off your rocker."

"Alright! We will now commence the Second Semi-Annual Konoha Raffle! As you all probably know, I started this tradition mainly because I wanted to win something and the closest thing this hidden city has to gambling is the arcade." She put on a feigned smile after being reminded that she had been deprived of her greatest love. "Oh, well, its other purpose is to raise money for the town, of course." The Godaime coughed three times, and the audience seemed to find this as a convenient moment to cough too. "So, let's begin!" She excitedly grabbed a bottle of sake, and rummaged through the glass bowl, hoping to grab one of her fifty tickets. "Dammit! I didn't get it! Arrghh, it goes to whoever has number 741." Lee jumped up ecstatically before realizing what the prize was.

"Oh no! I am not old enough to drink sake!"

"Lee, just take the bottle of sake." Sasuke said, rolling his eyes. Lee jogged up to the podium, accepted the prize he is not legally allowed to possess, and made his way back to his seat. Kakashi nodded his head knowingly, for he had predicted that ticket number 741 would get the sake. Tsunade held out the next prize: a coupon for a free meal at Ichiraku Ramen. Even though Naruto was the farthest from the podium and could not see what the Hokage was holding, his ramen senses tingled, and he just knew that the prize involved ramen. _Yes_, he thought, _this prize is mine for sure!_

"The winner of the free meal at Ichiraku Ramen is…" Tsunade elegantly dipped her hand into the raffle ticket bowl as Naruto (and other members of the crowd, I'm sure) waited with baited breath, "…hold on, let me check. No! Dammit! I didn't win again!" Tsunade snapped her fingers in frustration. There was a long pause were nobody said anything. Naruto almost suffocated from having his breath baited. Luckily for Naruto, Sakura noticed that his face was red from lack of oxygen, and she raised her hand.

"Hokage-sama! What was the ticket number?"

"Oh, right. The number is 589." Naruto quickly scrutinized his tickets, searching for 589. _Crap! I only have up to 588! Who was behind me in line?_ The blond boy soon heard a loud "YAHOO!" and he instantly remembered. _That's right, it was Kiba._ The citizens of Konoha watched as Kiba ran up to the podium, with Akamaru running figure eights between his legs.

"Stop it, Akamaru. You know I always trip over you when you do that." Kiba scolded, but as if it was like magic, or it could have actually been Akamaru's fault, Kiba tripped. He got back to his feet quickly and accepted his prize. Before returning to his seat, however, Kiba slipped the Hokage fifteen ryou and softly told her "This is to make sure that I win the iPod, okay?" As he ran back to his seat, Tsunade smiled to herself. _Heh, heh, this is a raffle. I can't guarantee something like that. Oh well, I am fifteen ryou richer._

"Yes! Some more sake!" exclaimed Tsunade as she eagerly grabbed the next bottle. Parents everywhere instantly covered their children's ears before she saw the number. "Shit! It's 356!" Lee jumped up excitedly again holding up a ticket that his beloved sensei had given him.

"Oh darn! It's more alcohol!" he exclaimed pitifully as he received his second bottle. Then Kakashi stood up and made his way towards Tsunade as she announced that the next prize was the large standard weapons set

"OH! I MUST HAVE THIS!" screamed Tenten quite loudly. Because it annoyed Neji, he gentle-fisted her to make her unconscious so that she'd shut up. It didn't matter, because she wasn't going to win anyway. After some more expletives, Tsunade announced the winning number. She looked to her side to find Kakashi already there and holding out his ticket, which bore the same number.

"Maybe I'm not quite off my rocker just yet." he told her smugly as he accepted the spoils. The Godaime finally spoke when the shock wore off.

"Why are you still up here?" She asked him. He handed her another ticket.

"It's because I have won the next prize as well." He said, pointing to the next Icha Icha book. The Hokage straightened up.

"Well, we shall see." She said after taking a look at his number and shaking up the bowl. She extracted a ticket, and her face fell. "It's yours." She said, handing the ninja genius his beloved book.  
"I know, and don't worry; the shock will wear off soon." He reassured her. As he walked back to his seat, Maito Gai jumped out from underneath a rug.

"Congratulations, my eternal rival," exclaimed Gai in a loud and obnoxious manner, "but I will definitely get the big prize and ultimately defeat you!" Kakashi looked up from his new book.

"Huh? Did you say something?" said Kakashi automatically. Gai had a severe heart attack seconds later. _Heh, works every time._ Medic nins immediately came to his aid, and Gai gave them his will, which left his raffle tickets to Lee, but mentioned nothing else.

"Oh Gai-sensei!" sobbed Lee as waterfalls of tears gushed from his abnormally round eyes. Tsunade, on the other hand, ignored all of the aforementioned events, and continued on with the raffle. Iruka happened to win some coupons for the grocery store.

"Oh boy!" he shouted as he ran up to the stage. Unfortunately, he tripped and fell to his death before making it.

"Oh bother." said the Authors rather uninterestedly. "We'll just revive him later."

"Wow, we're doing well this year," Izumo informed his good friend Kotetsu, "including the luncheon, it's already been an hour and we've only had three casualties." Tsunade announced another number which, to her great disappointment, went to Ibiki. She gingerly picked up the next prize, which she recognized to be the third one that Kakashi predicted that he would win.

"The winner of the advanced weapon repair kit is…" Tsunade sighed as she hastily plunged her hand into the bowl. At the sound of the word "weapon," Tenten's unconscious state was reversed as she rose to her feet and shouted, "I MUST HAVE THIS PR-" Neji instantly clamped his hand on her mouth. Before Tsunade could read aloud the winning number, Kakashi was already at her side, his hand extended. The Hokage rolled her brown eyes and shoved the kit into Kakashi's chest. When Tenten saw this, she suffered a panic attack, and she almost became another casualty again, if she wasn't so easy to revive. Tsunade quickly went through the rest of the prizes so that she could get to the main prize, which is yet to be revealed. During this flurry of prize winning, Lee had won the two remaining bottles of sake ("But I am only thirteen, and I still get all of the sake?"), Ino won a coupon to Yamanaka flowers ("Do I honestly need this?"), Asuma won a pack of nicotine patches ("That almost seemed rigged, considering that I didn't buy any tickets"), Hinata won the iPod (even though Kiba "rigged" it), other random villagers got the remaining prizes, and Tsunade got none.

"Okay," she coxed herself silently, "all I have to do is make sure that the there are only my tickets left when I reach the big prize. Hm, what I could do is give away a bunch of meaningless crap until all other tickets are gone." The Godaime resumed speaking into the microphone. "Here we go! The next prize is…um…this napkin. Yes, this unused, clean napkin, and the winner is 588!"

"Are you kidding me!" said Naruto as he stood up. "I finally win something and it's a napkin!"

"Naruto, be grateful that you actually won something." Sakura rebuked him.

"Yeah," said Tenten, "I haven't won anything yet. I bet it's because I don't have a family name."

"I haven't won either," added Neji as Naruto won the following prize, a chair, "and I bet it's because I am part of the Hyuuga Branch House. You see that Hinata won an iPod, even though Kiba had tipped Tsunade. That is my reasoning." Tsunade then proceeded to search for another booby prize.

"Next we have a nice piece of lace. The winner is number 611!"

"OMIGOD!" shouted Neji, "I WON! TAKE THAT, DESTINY! Ooooo! And it matches my outfit too! I shall put it in my hair." Once Neji collected his destiny-shattering prize, Tsunade continued to dish out more worthless crap, ranging from toothpicks to used wineglasses, all of which were won by Naruto. Except for the used wineglass, Lee won that.

"And finally, we move on to the big, surprise gift! Kotetsu, Izumo, if you will please bring it out." Tsunade gestured to the two Chuunins, who appeared to be the slaves of the Hokage at several points in the series. As being such, they obliged, and they rolled out a huge, wooden horse. The crowd gasped.

"Yes, this is THE Trojan Horse. It came straight from Troy."

"Troy, isn't that located in the Wind Country?" mused one random person.

"Of course, and one person will be the lucky winner of this bad boy!" she exclaimed as she patted its wooden leg. _Alright_, she thought, _there is little chance that I will lose this one. There are only fifty-two tickets, fifty of which are mine. What are the odds that I will lose?_ Tsunade gave the ticket bowl three good shakes, and she pulled out the winning ticket.

"Dammit! Are you kidding me? How could it possibly be number 834?"

"Oh, how troublesome, it seems that I have won, even though I only bought one ticket." said Shikamaru in his usual, lazy tone. "Ino, I don't want to have to walk up there. Can you carry me?"

"No!" Ino rebutted him rudely. I mean, was he really asking for that much? Shikamaru rolled his eyes.

"Aw, and I kinda wanted it too. Oh well." sighed Shikamaru, not moving an inch. Tsunade looked at the crowd of Konahaians (citizens of Konoha, of course), and she noticed that no one had moved forward to collect the prize. _Hee hee, what luck! I get another chance to win! Now the chances are fifty to one, so I can't possibly lose this time!_ However, her optimistic mood dropped when she looked at the second ticket she selected.

"Im-impossible! Number 545 won?" Everyone looked around, trying to find the winner. Oddly enough, the winner was Shino, and he also purchased only one ticket.

"Wow," he said in his usual monotone, "how lucky am I." Shino slowly walked up to the podium, basking in the glory. He accepted the Trojan Horse from the extremely sulky Godaime, and he made his way back to his seat, with Kotetsu and Izumo pulling the horse behind him.

"Wow, it is so huge!" enthused Kiba. "Where are you going to put it, Shino?" Shino thought about it for a moment before replying almost happily (but not quite).

"I think I shall put it next to my bed, so I can wake up and see it every morning."


	2. Eavesdropping

Chapter Two: Eavesdropping

Everybody remembers the part in the first volume of the manga (as well as in the fourth episode of the Anime) when Hatake Kakashi tells his three new pupils that he has "lots of hobbies" but fails to elaborate. In the course of the story, as written by Masashi Kishimoto, we only find out that in his spare time, he either trains himself or reads his favorite books. What most people don't know is that he has devoted his life to something other than being a ninja, eavesdropping. Yes, Kakashi is an avid eavesdropper. He spends much of his time hiding in bushes, writing down what he hears people say, and post them on the internet, but he twists everything he hears to make it even more comical. Almost everybody in the Hidden Leaf has been to his website, but nobody knows who has been writing their conversations (except they're often very different) for the whole village to see. Kakashi has cleverly given himself the perfect pseudonym, tHE mASTER. Obviously, although he is a great ninja genius, his skills with the Caps Lock key are very poor.

What nobody realizes is that Kakashi _wants _people, especially his own students, to find out that he is tHE mASTER. He has devised his secret identity as a test for his fellow ninjas to see if they can read "underneath the underneath" (AN- credit to LinkandLuigi of course). He hints to his secret identity every now and then, but sadly, nobody has figured it out.

On his first day off in weeks, Kakashi decided to update his infamous website. He chuckled to himself (of course, there was nobody else in his apartment) as he grabbed his notebook and pencil. He jumped out of his window and landed in the bushes near his apartment. Since he was a ninja genius nobody saw or heard him, and he landed quite gently. He silently waited for his first prey to sit on the bench in front of the bushes. Inuzuka Hana was the first to sit on the fateful bench to eat her breakfast: waffles. Before she could finish carefully pouring her syrup, her younger, genin brother, Kiba dashed toward her and grabbed her meal.

"HEY! LEGGO MY EGGO!" She screamed in an unladylike manner. "NO! DON'T EAT IT!" She screamed as the selfish Kiba gorged down her precious food. He shot her an impish grin that was shared by Kakashi hidden in the bushes. He began fervently writing. _Inuzuka Hana: "Hey! Let go of my child! No! Don't eat him!"_ Kakashi would have laughed, but it would have made his presence known. He looked back to find Kiba screaming, "CHILD ABUSE!" as Hana bounded forward.

"I can't believe you ate my meal!" Hana ranted as Kakashi wrote, _"I can't believe you ate my baby!" _ Kiba shrugged.

"Who cares?" _Inuzuka Kiba: "Who's the father?"_

"Why, you!" Hana screamed in frustration. _Inuzuka Hana: "It's you!"_ Kakashi smirked; he was having so much fun. He decided to move on to another bush. He targeted one nearby, mostly because Hyuuga Hiashi had stopped with his youngest daughter. Kakashi inconspicuously situated himself in a very convenient "eavesdropping" position with his pencil at the ready. The clan leader knelt down to Hanabi's level and placed her on his knee.

"Hanabi, there is something very important I wish to tell you." She straightened up in preparation for the big news. He placed his left hand on her small shoulder. "Hanabi, I love you much more than Hinata." Kakashi began writing eagerly. _Hyuuga Hiashi: "Hanabi, I love you much more than my wife." _Hanabi clasped her hands over her mouth and then wrapped them enthusiastically around her father's neck.

"Oh, daddy!" She cried happily. While they hugged, blissfully ignorant of Kakashi's mischievous intentions. _Hyuuga Hanabi: "Oh, darling!"_ The silver haired man laughed loudly as he snapped his notebook shut. He darted away, and the two Hyuuga looked around cluelessly for whoever had laughed earlier. Kakashi was already gone; he was speeding down the street so fast that it was difficult to see him. When he finally stopped running, Kakashi found himself at a window looking into the barbeque restaurant, and he saw Chouji and Ino seat themselves at the table near the window. Kakashi instantly ducked down before either genin could see him. As he pulled his pencil and notebook out of his pocket, he focused his attention on their conversation.

"This isn't a date, right Chouji?" questioned the blond as she scanned her surroundings, hoping that no one has seen her in the restaurant, alone, with Chouji! How horrible would that be! However, Kakashi had seen them together. _Yamanaka Ino: Yay! I'm on a date with Chouji!_

"Of course this isn't a date, Ino. We're just hanging out as friends." Chouji reassured his vain teammate. "Besides, dating you would hurt Shikamaru's feelings, because I think he may have a crush on you. I would never try to hurt Shikamaru!" _Akimichi Chouji: This isn't a date, Ino, because I think I have a crush on Shikamaru._

"Nah, I don't think he has a crush on me, considering that he is probably too lazy to even try liking a girl." Ino said with a bemused expression. _Yamanaka Ino: I think I like him too._ Kakashi chuckled to himself once again, and he ran off to go home, deciding he had done enough damage that day. Besides, he just couldn't wait to update his site.


	3. Spice Girls

Chapter Three: Spice Girls

"You know, its getting awfully close to Halloween, and I still don't have a costume idea." Sakura complained to Ino and Hinata. The three girls were hanging out in Sakura's room and painting each other's nails one fine afternoon in October. In fact, it was October 30th, and they all still didn't have costumes. Yes, they were in so much trouble.

"Ah-actually, I have an, um, idea." Hinata spoke softly.

"Oooo! Do share!" expressed Ino excitedly as she clapped her hands together. Unfortunately, the nail polish container was in her hand, and its cap was off. She, however, was too excited over the prospect of finally having a costume idea that she didn't mind that the polish was spilt all over her hands and legs. Besides, it was purple nail polish, so it matched her outfit.

"Well, I th-thought that maybe we could be the Sp-spi-"

"Oh!" interrupted Sakura, "We should be the Spice Girls for Halloween! I used to love them! Then again, who didn't?" The girls chuckled as if Sakura had said something funny, even Hinata, who wasn't the least bit upset that Sakura had interrupted her and had STOLEN HER IDEA! Okay, so she was a little upset, but she tried to not let it get to her.

"So," Sakura continued, "we have to decide who is going to be whom."

"I-I would like to be Po-" began Hinata, until she was cut off again, but this time by Ino.

"I want to be Posh!" declared Ino loudly. Sakura instantly glared at Ino.

"I wanted to be Posh, Ino-pig!"

"Well, th-then I guess I'll be Gin-"

"Fine, Ino, I'll be Ginger." Sakura groaned. Hinata would have groaned too, if it wasn't so uncharacteristic of her. Since her first two favorite Spice Girls were taken, Hinata agreed to be Baby Spice. The girls then realized that they had a small problem: they needed two more girls. Luckily for them, Tenten had just magically walked into Sakura's room.

"Hey!" shouted Ino, "It's a girl!"

"Um, yeah, I'm a girl." Tenten said.

"Oh, you must be Sporty Spice!" exclaimed Sakura. Tenten looked at the pink haired kunochi with a confused expression.

"My name is Tenten, not Sporty Spice."

"That's not what she meant," explained Hinata quietly, "we are going to dress up like the Spice Girls for Halloween, and we need a Sporty Spice." After having Hinata repeat what she said five times, because nobody heard it the first time, Tenten agreed to be Sporty Spice. Now all the girls had to do was find a Scary Spice. Then again, they realized that there were no other significant girls in Konoha, so they decided that they have to settle for a guy. Honestly, would it be that hard to convince a guy to cross-dress?

The four girls ventured out of Sakura's house, and they first came upon Kiba. As he saw the girls approach him, he was totally unsuspecting. Perfect.

"Hey Kiba-san!" shouted Ino, "For Halloween, would you like to be Scary Spice?"

"No way!" he vehemently protested, "I would much rather be Posh!" There was a beat of silence, before it was broken by Tenten.

"You know, Kiba has nicer hips than you, Ino. Maybe he would be a better Posh…" Sakura, Tenten, and Hinata then looked down at Kiba's nicely shaped hips and nodded their approval. However, Ino did not approve.

"NO! I'M POSH!" yelled Ino loudly, just to make sure that everyone understood that fact.

"Well then, if I can't be Posh, then I won't be a Spice Girl." Kiba decided as he scooped Akamaru into his arms and walked away. After all of the girls sighed in unison (like all Anime characters), they trekked over to the park, where the found Neji…twirling like a ballerina. Although he was quite graceful, it was also quite disturbing.

"Neji-kun, what are you doing?" questioned his befuddled teammate, Tenten. Neji instantly snapped his legs together and looked up at the four kunoichi. For a moment, he was at a loss for words.

"I was, uh, practicing Kaiten."

"On your toes!"

"…What do you want?"

"Well," began Ino, "we are dressing up as the Spice Girls for Halloween. But the problem is that we don't have a fifth person."

"I will be Posh!" Neji said a little too quickly. The girls were taken aback at Neji's proclamation.

"NO! I AM POSH!" Ino exploded (not literally).

"Maybe Neji-san should be Posh." Sakura said. "His hair is much prettier than yours." Both Hinata and Tenten nodded as the girls (except Ino, who was fuming) stroked Neji's hair in admiration. He folded his arms and smiled smugly, for he was very proud of his hair. Ino groaned and pulled her three friends away before they became too attached.

They made their way across the park and found Lee training with Gai-sensei, or that was what it kinda looked like they were doing. They seemed to be digging a large hole in the ground, and the girls were sure that something like that was probably illegal. Both of them, on the other hand, were shouting at the top of their lungs as they usually did.

"LEE, I AM SO YOUTHFULLY SURE THAT WE CAN DIG FOR A VERY LONG TIME, WE CAN REACH THE WIND COUNTRY!"

"OOOOOO! CHINA! ISN'T THAT IN THE WIND COUNTRY, GAI-SENSEI?

"YES, IT IS!" He automatically gave Lee the "nice-guy" pose, which, of course, Lee automatically reciprocated. The girls pulled out their sunglasses to cope with the double-threat of both Lee's and Gai's shiny teeth. Tenten spoke first once it was safe to remove their sunglasses.

"Wow, I bet their eyes are immune to the light."

"Hey," said Sakura suddenly, "why don't we ask Lee? He would definitely do it, considering that he's in love with me!" Tenten choked in response.

"Lee as Scary Spice?" She gasped. "Oh no! That's too scary! Trust me on this one; I know him better than any of you."

"How about we ask Shikamaru?" asked Hinata, "I see him over there on the hill." The girls nodded in agreement as they headed for said hill. There, they found the lazy nin, sleeping in broad daylight. Ino's mouth stretched into an impish grin.

"Say, why don't we kick the lazy bum until he wakes?" The girls, save for Hinata, pulled their legs back, ready to strike, until Shikamaru bolted into an upright position, flailing his arms above his head.

"Hey! Don't kick me!" he said. The girls lowered their legs.

"Shikamaru-san, may we ask for a favor?" inquired Sakura sweetly. Shikamaru's eyes scanned each of the girls' faces.

"Depends. Were you planning on asking me for the same favor right after kicking me?" Sakura, Ino, and Tenten glared daggers at the Nara boy, and Hinata just continued to press her index fingers together. He rolled his eyes. "What's the favor?"

"We need for you to wear a Scary Spice costume, since we are going to be the Spice Girls for Halloween." Tenten explained. Shikamaru slowly stood up and brushed himself off.

"Hmm, how troublesome. I'd rather be Posh, anyway."

"NO! I AM ALREADY POSH! GOT THAT! ME!" screeched Ino. Luckily, Shikamaru had predicted such a reaction, and he had plugged his ears with his fingers, and thus prevented heavy damage to his delicate ears. Phew.

"Actually, Shikamaru-san might make a better Posh than Ino, since his hair is the right length and color, and he has a nicer butt too." Tenten commented. All of the girls, minus Ino, cocked their heads to the side to get a better view of his derriere. If Shikamaru wasn't so lazy, he would have felt uncomfortable. But alas, he was too lazy. Ino, now jealous, pulled the three girls away. Wishing she was as bootylicious as her teammate, she dragged the other girls all the way across the park.

"Okay, we still need to find a Scary Spice." She reminded them. They all pondered for a minute until Tenten interrupted their pondering.

"Oh, I know! Kakashi-sama should be Posh Spice! He is so much sexier than Ino, and his abs are so much tighter! He would look better in a dress anyway!" Meanwhile, tHE mASTER had been eavesdropping on the young ladies. Kakashi instantly jumped out of the bushes to inform the disappointed kunoichi that he declined, and he left.

"Oh, that was odd." said Hinata, pointing out the obvious. Her friends nodded, and the girls resumed their quest to find a boy willing to go into drag and become Scary Spice. As they saw Shino in the distance, a thought crossed their minds: Shino is probably too socially-inept to know who the Spice Girls are, so he might agree if he doesn't realize that he is dressed up as a girl! Oh, these girls are so sneaky. The quartet of females approached the bug-loving anti-social ninja, hoping that he would join their group.

Shino, however, was not paying attention to the girls. He was leisurely lying in the warm grass, watching a tiger beetle crawl across his hand. He was almost smiling, but not quite. When he finally took his eyes off of the beetle, he found himself surrounded by women, all of which were smiling down at him. _How queer_, he thought. Since he is anti-social, he probably didn't realize that the popular connotation of the word is "gay," not "strange." Good thing he didn't say it out loud.

"Hello, Shino-kun." the girls chimed in unison, thus adding to Shino's confusion and alarm. But Shino is unflappable as always, so he didn't show his confusion or alarm. Sakura bent down lower.

"May we ask you for a favor?" Sakura asked sweetly. Before Shino could even speak, Sakura continued. "The four of us are doing a joint costume thing on Halloween, and we need a fifth person to be Scary Spice. Could you do that for us, please?" The other three kunoichi bent down to Shino's level as well. Shino, to their displeasure, was distracted by his own thoughts. _Hm, its so strange that she has pink hair. Is it her natural color? Then again, I have never seen her mother. It would be quite unfortunate if it was her father with the pink hair. I would never want pink hair, for I am already socially outcasted enough as it is. It does look nice on Sakura-san. She is quite comely…_

"Um, Shino-kun?" Hinata managed to snap Shino out of his train of thought.

"I do not know of this 'Scary Spice.' What does he look like?" inquired Shino innocently. The girls, except for Hinata, smirked in a not-so-innocent manner. Their scheme was going according to plan. Tenten decided to elaborate.

"Well, Scary Spice has curly, brown hair. It's kinda like yours, but only lighter and longer. It sometimes is styled with two odd cone things. Scary Spice also wears boots, and tight pants, and, uh, midriff shirts, and-"

"Wait," interrupted Shino, "this Scary Spice sounds feminine. We are talking about a 'he,' right? That's why you wanted my help, right?" The girls bit their lips, hoping that he would still agree, even if they didn't say anything. Hinata, however, could no longer lie to her teammate. She sighed and stood upright.

"No, Scary Spice is a girl. I-I'm really sorry, Shino-kun." She pulled a picture out of her sweater pocket. "She is one of the Spice Girls. Here is a picture of them." Shino sat up and accepted the picture. The rest of the girls stood up as well, knowing that the jig was up. Shino looked at the picture for a bit, then he looked up at his fellow ninja, pointing at one of the Spice Girls.

"Hm, if I wanted to dress as one of these girls, I would want to be this one. Nevertheless, I do not wish to be-"

"I'M POSH, DAMMIT! NO ONE BUT ME IS GOING TO BE POSH!" Ino shouted at the top of her lungs.

"You know, Shino-san does have nicer calves than you, Ino. He would make a good Posh Spice." mused Tenten. Sakura, Hinata, and even Shino proceeded to stare at the calves of the Aburame heir.

"Yes, they are quite nice, aren't they?" commented Shino. The girls nodded in agreement, except for Ino, who was shaking with fury, even down to her small, inferior calves. The blond ninja stormed off, and her three friends tore their eyes off of Shino's calves to follow her. Once they caught up, Hinata decided to make a decision.

"H-how about we ask Naruto-kun? We might as well make him Posh, since his eyes have a prettier color than Ino's…" Ino didn't even bother to say anything this time, especially since she has now lost her voice from all of the screaming.

"Nah, let's not ask Naruto," said Sakura, "because I don't want to see _him_ in drag." Hinata then began to play with her fingers as the other three shuddered. The girls instantly stopped walking when they saw…

"Oh my God!" shouted Tenten, "It's a girl!"

"Yes," said Kurenai, her brows furrowed, "I am a girl." She was tempted to point out that her womanly features were more voluptuous than theirs.

"Kurenai-sensei," spoke Hinata softly, "we were planning on being the Spice Girls for Halloween, but we have a little problem." Kurenai saw the problem instantly.

"Ah, I see. There are only four of you, and you need a fifth. Well, I guess I can help you guys out. Can I be-"

"NO! I'M POSH!" With the help from the authors, Ino had found her voice.

"Fine, I guess I won't help you guys, then." And with that said, the full-fledged kunoichi turned around and walked off, leaving the girls helpless and Scary Spice-less.

"Where are we going to find a Scary Spice!" shouted Sakura in frustration.

"I'll be Scary Spice." The girls turned around to face Gaara, who had been magically transported to Konoha. "That is, I'll do it under three conditions." The insomniac held up three fingers, and he ticked them off as he stated his conditions. "One, I don't have to wear her usual outfits. Two, I am going to be scarier. Three, I can kill as many people as I want. Savvy?" (AN: Heehee, PotC2 comes out next summer!)

"Uhhh, well, you see, that was a rhetorical question. Yeah, a rhetorical question! We already found a Scary Spice. Heh heh." With that said, Sakura led the other girls as they fled from the creepy Gaara.

Once Ino returned home, she headed for the bathroom right off the bat. She scrutinized herself long and hard in the mirror.

"Dammit! Why do the boys have to be so much hotter than me!"


End file.
